By: Logan Cohen, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, Approved Supervisor for American Association of Marriage & Family Therapy - New Leaf Counseling Group, LLC - Charlotte, NC
Many couples are realizing these days that "intimacy" - the practice of experiencing unconditional love while being our "True Self" - is at the heart of our closest relationships. As Human Beings, one of the closest relationships we will ever have is with our romantic partner.
It is very common that couples realize they need more intimacy when going through difficult life experiences and/or transitions - like the birth of a child, when our losing our Parents, as well as acute life experiences that are stressful - even traumatic.
It is in these times that we MUST know that we are safe with our primary Person NO MATTER WHAT - and especially when we are MOST scared, hurt, or insecure.
Have you realized you want more intimacy and are now looking for a counselor or therapist in Charlotte, NC?
Whether you are in Charlotte, NC or not - this is the article for you. In the case you are not a big fan of reading, or if you would just like to watch a quick summary video before reading this article, check this out below:
It is common that when relationships first begin, they are FULL of "chemistry" - that electrical experience where both Partners just CAN'T seem to get enough of each other.
As you know, the electricity wears off at some point and if romantic partners want more intimacy again, they have to learn how to communicate through conflict.
Communicating through conflict is often REALLY intimidating for couples.
Many couples learn over the years that certain topics are "off limits" with their Partner, so avoid those conversations because it feels like a "set up" for conflict, tension, and not getting along.
What if we told you that the diverse therapist and counselor team at New Leaf Counseling Group in Charlotte, NC can help you and your Loved One(s) WORK THROUGH those spaces in a way that not only resolve the outstanding issues, but also create MORE intimacy so you can be EVEN CLOSER TOGETHER?
How to Create More Intimacy Through Conflict
#1 Skill For More Intimacy - Self Expression
The video above describes a set of communication skills that we commonly use to work with clients in the Charlotte area at New Leaf Counseling Group. It is very important to learn how to express our thoughts/feelings/personal meaning in a way that is clear & concise.
In order to communicate through conflict so you can create more intimacy, your Partner HAS to now what your thinking and what you need. If these parts cannot be shared clearly enough, or it is done it a way that is blaming or attacking, it will be very difficult to create more intimacy because the expression of needs and desires is not happening at a basic level.
No sharing of personal thoughts and feelings = no vulnerability = no intimacy
If you are wondering about some ways that People commonly avoid sharing their own thoughts, feelings, and desires, check out this article to see 4 Ways to Avoid Intimacy
How to Create More Intimacy Through Conflict
#2 Skill For More Intimacy - Active Listening
It is OK - even expected for couples to get into conflict, but if you want more intimacy, it should be happening productively. One of the most important communication skills to learn when it comes to communicating through conflict for more intimacy is that of "active listening."
Active listening is a communication skill that creates the ability to relate to another Person verbally when they are sharing information with us in a way that let's them know that we have heard their message, can validate their perspectives, and understand their experiences. Did you notice that active listening does NOT include "AGREEING" with your Partner?
It is important to learn how to practice active listening when we do not agree with the speaker because whether we agree or not, this is about a decision to be a relationship.
By learning how to use active listening skills - even when you don't happen to agree with your Partner - this allows your Partner to feel unconditionally loved and supported by you through the tension create by the conflict.
If it is more intimacy that you are after, imagine how much closer you can be after you no longer feel any pressure to "fix it" and your Partner can have the freedom to have their own thoughts and feelings - while being supported - whether you agree or not. What freedom!
How to Create More Intimacy Through Conflict
#3 Skill For More Intimacy - Self Awareness
"Self awareness is one of the rarest of human commodities. I don't mean self consciousness where you're limiting and evaluating yourself. I mean being aware of your own patterns."-Tony Robbins
It is common for People to go through difficult, painful, even traumatic events and try to convince ourselves that "the past is in the past - it doesn't effect the present."
While this is sometimes the case, it is much more often that those painful and/or traumatic experiences from our history actually DO impact our present and what we see as possible in our future.
The more we allow ourselves to take an honest look at our experiences - for better and for worse - the more we can develop self awareness so that we don't have to "fly blind" when we run into conflict with our romantic partner.
In fact, chances are that we have been (unconsciously) using a certain pattern in those conflicts for a LONG time that helped us get through painful experiences from our past, but are now creating more harm than good in the present.
Even if the present problem is a relatively small one, when any type of conflict flares with our romantic partner, this often FEELS much bigger than the original small problem because our Partner is SO important to us as Human Beings who are social creatures at a basic level. By learning more about how we got those wounds and what patterns are keeping us STUCK, we can give ourselves room to break free from those old patterns in order to create change and growth.
How to Create More Intimacy Through Conflict
#4 Skill For More Intimacy - Unconditional Love
If you want more intimacy, then let's talk about how to take that to the next level. Once you and your Partner learn the communication skills involved in self expression & active listening, then learn more about WHY these themes from the past are coming up in the present, it is time to experience how all of this takes place together.
When we combine all of these communication skills with the focus of creating more intimacy, most - if not ALL - couples discover that their conflicts tend to take on a predictable pattern.
Within this pattern of conflict, each Partner in the relationship plays out unresolved wounds from their past that can either re-injure Self and the relationship - OR be an opportunity for growth, more intimacy, and safety with their Loved One.
If you are ready to have productive conflict with your Partner WHILE you create more intimacy in the relationship, please consider contacting our diverse counselor and therapist team at New Leaf Counseling Group in Charlotte, NC. You can reach us at 704-774-3078 to schedule a free initial consultation - or click here to book an appointment online.
We have a down to earth counselor and therapist team with room for you to GROW.