Helping Children Recognize Healthy and Unhealthy Relationship Dynamics in High Conflict Divorce
- May 8
- 7 min read
A child-friendly power and control wheel designed to help children better understand emotional safety, coercive control, and healthy relationships.
Why Power and Control Wheels Matter for High Conflict Divorce and Children
Power and Control Wheels have long been used in psychology, counseling, advocacy, social work, and domestic violence education to help people visually identify patterns of coercion, intimidation, manipulation, and unhealthy relational dynamics.
Traditionally, these wheels are designed for adults.
They help organize complex relational behaviors into understandable patterns rather than isolated incidents. This matters because emotionally abusive or coercive relationships are often confusing precisely because the behavior is inconsistent, emotionally charged, and difficult to describe clearly.
Many individuals exposed to coercive control do not initially identify the relationship as unhealthy because:
the behavior may be normalized within the family system
moments of warmth or affection may coexist alongside manipulation
emotional abuse often escalates gradually
children naturally seek attachment and protection from caregivers
fear, guilt, shame, and loyalty can distort self-trust
children often lack the developmental language to describe what they are experiencing
A Power and Control Wheel helps externalize these dynamics.
Instead of asking a child to answer emotionally loaded questions like:
“Is your parent abusive?”
“Is your home unsafe?”
“Who is telling the truth?”
…the wheel shifts the conversation toward observable behaviors and emotional experiences.
Questions become more concrete and developmentally accessible:
“Does this behavior make you feel safe or pressured?”
“Are you allowed to disagree without fear?”
“Do adults expect you to carry adult problems?”
“Do you feel guilty for loving multiple people?”
“Are you allowed to have your own feelings and experiences?”
That distinction is incredibly important when working with children in high conflict divorce or emotionally abusive family systems.
Children in these environments are often navigating intense split loyalty dynamics. They may deeply love a parent while simultaneously feeling emotionally unsafe, manipulated, pressured, confused, or emotionally responsible for that parent’s wellbeing.
Research consistently shows that chronic exposure to high conflict family systems can negatively impact emotional regulation, attachment security, anxiety, self-concept, behavioral functioning, and long-term relational development (Kelly & Johnston, 2001; Harman et al., 2018).
Importantly, Power and Control Wheels are not intended to function as diagnostic tools.
They are:
psychoeducational tools
assessment tools
collaborative discussion tools
emotional language-building tools
pattern-recognition tools
Their purpose is not to pressure children into condemning a parent.
Their purpose is to help children strengthen emotional awareness, identify relational patterns, reduce self-blame, and develop a healthier understanding of emotional safety, boundaries, and respectful relationships.
Why I Created a Child-Friendly Version
In my work as a therapist, I regularly work with children and families navigating high conflict divorce, emotional abuse, coercive control, and deeply strained family systems. Over time, I found myself running into the same problem again and again:
Most existing “Power and Control Wheels” are designed for adults.
Clinically, many of them are excellent. The problem is that they are often developmentally incompatible with children, especially children between roughly ages 9–13 who may already feel emotionally overwhelmed, conflicted, confused, protective of a parent, or caught in the middle of adult dynamics they do not fully understand.
Children often do not have the language to identify concepts like coercive control, triangulation, emotional manipulation, gaslighting, intermittent reinforcement, or parentification. But they absolutely experience the emotional effects of those dynamics.
They experience:
pressure
confusion
fear
guilt
divided loyalty
emotional responsibility for adults
chronic self-doubt
feeling like they must “manage” other people’s emotions
In high conflict family systems, children are often trying to maintain attachment bonds with multiple caregivers while simultaneously navigating emotionally unsafe relational patterns.
Importantly, children do not need to hate or reject a parent in order to recognize unhealthy behavior.
In fact, one of the most confusing realities for children exposed to emotional abuse or coercive family systems is that they often still deeply love, miss, defend, and seek approval from the same parent whose behavior is causing emotional harm. That confusion is normal. Attachment bonds are powerful and deeply wired into child development (Siegel & Bryson, 2011).
I created the following tools because I needed something children could actually understand and collaboratively engage with in therapy without feeling pressured to “pick a side,” condemn a parent, or absorb adult labels they may not yet be developmentally ready to process.
These are not diagnostic tools.
They are conversation tools, psychoeducational tools, and assessment tools designed to help children identify patterns connected to emotional safety, respect, pressure, fear, confusion, and healthy relationships.
The Child-Friendly Power and Control Wheel
Many children exposed to emotional abuse or coercive control do not initially recognize the behavior as unhealthy because the behavior may also be mixed with love, affection, gifts, attention, or moments of genuine care.
This is especially true in family systems where:
children are pressured to keep secrets
children feel responsible for a parent’s emotional wellbeing
one parent pressures children to choose sides
affection is inconsistently given or withdrawn
fear, guilt, or shame are used to gain compliance
reality is repeatedly distorted or denied
children are expected to carry adult emotional burdens
Research on coercive control and emotional abuse has increasingly shown that emotional intimidation, manipulation, isolation, unpredictability, and psychological domination can be profoundly harmful even when physical violence is absent (Stark, 2007).
The wheel below was designed to help children identify behaviors rather than labels.
Instead of focusing on whether someone is “good” or “bad,” the focus shifts toward questions like:
Does this behavior create emotional safety?
Does this behavior create fear or pressure?
Does this relationship allow honesty and healthy disagreement?
Am I allowed to have my own feelings and experiences?
Do I feel emotionally safe being myself?
Download the Child-Friendly Power & Control Wheel PDF
Healthy Structure vs. Coercive Control
One of the most important distinctions children and parents need help understanding is the difference between healthy structure and coercive control.
Healthy parenting absolutely involves limits, accountability, guidance, and consequences.
Children need:
structure
predictability
emotional regulation from caregivers
appropriate boundaries
accountability
consistency
repair after conflict
Healthy discipline is designed to teach.
Coercive control is designed to dominate.
Healthy structure might sound like:
“You broke the rule, so you lose screen time tonight.”
“I understand you’re upset, but it’s still time for homework.”
“You do not have to agree with me, but we still need to be respectful.”
“Let’s calm down and talk about what happened.”
Healthy consequences are typically:
predictable
proportionate
connected to behavior
emotionally regulated
designed to teach accountability and growth
Logical and natural consequences help children build internal responsibility.
Coercive control often sounds more like:
“After everything I’ve done for you…”
“Good kids would choose me.”
“If you loved me, you wouldn’t spend time with them.”
“You’re the reason I’m upset.”
“Don’t tell anyone what happens in this house.”
“That never happened. You’re remembering it wrong.”
The difference is not simply whether a parent sets limits.
The difference is whether the relationship is grounded in emotional safety, respect, accountability, and the child’s developmental wellbeing — or whether fear, shame, guilt, intimidation, confusion, or emotional dependency are being used to gain power and control.
Children generally know when they feel emotionally safe.
The challenge is that many children in high conflict or emotionally abusive systems gradually learn to disconnect from those internal signals in order to preserve attachment and reduce conflict.
The Healthy Relationships Wheel
Children also need language for what healthy relationships actually look and feel like.
Without that counterpart, many children become highly vigilant toward unhealthy behavior without having a clear internal model for emotional safety, respect, repair, and healthy connection.
The Healthy Relationships Wheel was designed to provide children with concrete examples of what emotionally safe relationships often include:
honesty
respect
emotional safety
healthy boundaries
teamwork
repair after conflict
encouragement
consistency
accountability
emotional freedom
Healthy relationships allow children to:
disagree without fear
express feelings safely
make mistakes without humiliation
maintain relationships with multiple safe people
develop age-appropriate independence
feel loved without feeling emotionally trapped
Importantly, healthy relationships do not require perfection.
All parents become dysregulated sometimes. All families experience conflict. Healthy relationships are not defined by the absence of conflict, but by the presence of accountability, repair, emotional safety, and respect over time (Herman, 1992).
Download the Healthy Relationships Wheel PDF
What Children Often Need to Hear
Children navigating high conflict divorce or emotionally abusive dynamics often carry enormous emotional burdens silently.
Many children need explicit permission to understand:
You are allowed to have your own thoughts and feelings.
Loving someone does not mean agreeing with everything they do.
Feeling confused does not mean something is wrong with you.
You should not have to carry adult emotional responsibilities.
You are not responsible for managing a parent’s emotional wellbeing.
Healthy adults do not require children to choose sides.
Fear and guilt are not the same thing as love.
You can love a parent while also recognizing unhealthy behavior.
Awareness is not betrayal.
These conversations can be emotionally difficult, especially for children navigating split loyalty, fear of abandonment, or chronic emotional pressure.
That is why these tools are intended to support collaborative conversations rather than push children toward conclusions they are not developmentally or emotionally ready to make on their own.
Final Thoughts
High conflict divorce and emotionally abusive family systems often leave children trying to survive emotional environments they do not yet have the developmental language to understand.
My hope is that these tools help children:
build emotional awareness
strengthen internal safety signals
reduce self-blame
identify healthy versus unhealthy relationship patterns
develop language for emotional experiences
feel less alone and less confused
And perhaps most importantly, I hope they help children recognize that healthy relationships should feel emotionally safe, respectful, honest, and supportive — not fear-based, guilt-based, or emotionally controlling.
Therapy, Consultation, and Professional Collaboration
I provide therapy services for children, adolescents, adults, and families navigating:
high conflict divorce
emotional abuse
coercive control
family conflict
trauma
attachment injuries
anxiety and emotional dysregulation
I also collaborate with therapists, attorneys, schools, and professionals seeking developmentally appropriate tools and trauma-informed perspectives when working with children in complex family systems.
In addition to clinical work, I provide professional trainings and speaking engagements focused on:
emotional intelligence
difficult conversations
de-escalation
coercive dynamics
trauma-informed communication
high conflict relational systems
If you would like support, consultation, or collaboration, please reach out through NewLeafCLT.com.
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