Helping Children Recognize Healthy and Unhealthy Relationship Dynamics in High Conflict Divorce
- May 8
- 10 min read
Updated: May 29
A child-friendly power and control wheel designed to help children better understand emotional safety, coercive control, and healthy relationships.
Written by Logan Cohen, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist & Approved Clinical Supervisor with the American Association of Marriage & Family Therapy who specializes in trauma, relationship dynamics, high conflict family systems, and emotional abuse.
Free Downloadable Tools Included Below:
This article includes a Child-Friendly Power and Control Wheel and a Healthy Relationships Wheel designed to help children identify unsafe, confusing, controlling, and emotionally healthy relationship patterns.
Why Power and Control Wheels Matter for High Conflict Divorce and Children
Power and Control Wheels have long been used in psychology, counseling, advocacy, social work, and domestic violence education to help people visually identify patterns of coercion, intimidation, manipulation, and unhealthy relational dynamics.
Traditionally, these wheels are designed for adults.
They help organize complex relational behaviors into understandable patterns rather than isolated incidents. This matters because emotionally abusive or coercive relationships are often confusing precisely because the behavior is inconsistent, emotionally charged, and difficult to describe clearly.
Many individuals exposed to coercive control do not initially identify the relationship as unhealthy because:
the behavior may be normalized within the family system
moments of warmth or affection may coexist alongside manipulation
emotional abuse often escalates gradually
children naturally seek attachment and protection from caregivers
fear, guilt, shame, and loyalty can distort self-trust
children often lack the developmental language to describe what they are experiencing
A Power and Control Wheel helps externalize these dynamics.
Instead of asking a child to answer emotionally loaded questions like:
“Is your parent abusive?”
“Is your home unsafe?”
“Who is telling the truth?”
…the wheel shifts the conversation toward observable behaviors and emotional experiences.
Questions become more concrete and developmentally accessible:
“Does this behavior make you feel safe or pressured?”
“Are you allowed to disagree without fear?”
“Do adults expect you to carry adult problems?”
“Do you feel guilty for loving multiple people?”
“Are you allowed to have your own feelings and experiences?”
That distinction is incredibly important when working with children in high conflict divorce or emotionally abusive family systems.
Children in these environments are often navigating intense split loyalty dynamics. They may deeply love a parent while simultaneously feeling emotionally unsafe, manipulated, pressured, confused, or emotionally responsible for that parent’s wellbeing.
Research consistently shows that chronic exposure to high conflict family systems can negatively impact emotional regulation, attachment security, anxiety, self-concept, behavioral functioning, and long-term relational development (Kelly & Johnston, 2001).
Importantly, Power and Control Wheels are not intended to function as diagnostic tools.
They are:
psychoeducational tools
assessment tools
collaborative discussion tools
emotional language-building tools
pattern-recognition tools
Their purpose is not to pressure children into condemning a parent.
Their purpose is to help children strengthen emotional awareness, identify relational patterns, reduce self-blame, and develop a healthier understanding of emotional safety, boundaries, and respectful relationships.
Why I Created a Child-Friendly Version
In my work as a therapist, I regularly work with children and families navigating high conflict divorce, emotional abuse, coercive control, and deeply strained family systems. Over time, I found myself running into the same problem again and again:
Most existing “Power and Control Wheels” are designed for adults.
Clinically, many of them are excellent. The problem is that they are often developmentally incompatible with children, especially children between roughly ages 9–13 who may already feel emotionally overwhelmed, conflicted, confused, protective of a parent, or caught in the middle of adult dynamics they do not fully understand.
Children often do not have the language to identify concepts like coercive control, triangulation, emotional manipulation, gaslighting, intermittent reinforcement, or parentification. But they absolutely experience the emotional effects of those dynamics.
They experience:
pressure
confusion
fear
guilt
divided loyalty
emotional responsibility for adults
chronic self-doubt
feeling like they must “manage” other people’s emotions
In high conflict family systems, children are often trying to maintain attachment bonds with multiple caregivers while simultaneously navigating emotionally unsafe relational patterns.
Importantly, children do not need to hate or reject a parent in order to recognize unhealthy behavior.
In fact, one of the most confusing realities for children exposed to emotional abuse or coercive family systems is that they often still deeply love, miss, defend, and seek approval from the same parent whose behavior is causing emotional harm. That confusion is normal. Attachment bonds are powerful and deeply wired into child development (Siegel & Bryson, 2011).
I created the following tools because I needed something children could actually understand and collaboratively engage with in therapy without feeling pressured to “pick a side,” condemn a parent, or absorb adult labels they may not yet be developmentally ready to process.
These are not diagnostic tools.
They are conversation tools, psychoeducational tools, and assessment tools designed to help children identify patterns connected to emotional safety, respect, pressure, fear, confusion, and healthy relationships.
The Child-Friendly Power and Control Wheel
Many children exposed to emotional abuse or coercive control do not initially recognize the behavior as unhealthy because the behavior may also be mixed with love, affection, gifts, attention, or moments of genuine care.
This is especially true in family systems where:
children are pressured to keep secrets
children feel responsible for a parent’s emotional wellbeing
one parent pressures children to choose sides
affection is inconsistently given or withdrawn
fear, guilt, or shame are used to gain compliance
reality is repeatedly distorted or denied
children are expected to carry adult emotional burdens
Research on coercive control and emotional abuse has increasingly shown that emotional intimidation, manipulation, isolation, unpredictability, and psychological domination can be profoundly harmful even when physical violence is absent (Stark, 2007).
The wheel below was designed to help children identify behaviors rather than labels.
Instead of focusing on whether someone is “good” or “bad,” the focus shifts toward questions like:
Does this behavior create emotional safety?
Does this behavior create fear or pressure?
Does this relationship allow honesty and healthy disagreement?
Am I allowed to have my own feelings and experiences?
Do I feel emotionally safe being myself?
Download the Child-Friendly Power & Control Wheel PDF
Healthy Structure vs. Coercive Control
One of the most important distinctions children and parents need help understanding is the difference between healthy structure and coercive control.
Healthy parenting absolutely involves limits, accountability, guidance, and consequences.
Children need:
structure
predictability
emotional regulation from caregivers
appropriate boundaries
accountability
consistency
repair after conflict
Healthy discipline is designed to teach.
Coercive control is designed to dominate.
Healthy structure might sound like:
“You broke the rule, so you lose screen time tonight.”
“I understand you’re upset, but it’s still time for homework.”
“You do not have to agree with me, but we still need to be respectful.”
“Let’s calm down and talk about what happened.”
Healthy consequences are typically:
predictable
proportionate
connected to behavior
emotionally regulated
designed to teach accountability and growth
Logical and natural consequences help children build internal responsibility.
Coercive control often sounds more like:
“After everything I’ve done for you…”
“Good kids would choose me.”
“If you loved me, you wouldn’t spend time with them.”
“You’re the reason I’m upset.”
“Don’t tell anyone what happens in this house.”
“That never happened. You’re remembering it wrong.”
The difference is not simply whether a parent sets limits.
The difference is whether the relationship is grounded in emotional safety, respect, accountability, and the child’s developmental wellbeing — or whether fear, shame, guilt, intimidation, confusion, or emotional dependency are being used to gain power and control.
Children generally know when they feel emotionally safe.
For parents wanting a deeper framework for discipline that teaches rather than shames, I have also written about natural and logical consequences here: https://www.balancedmanplan.com/post/logical-natural-consequences-balanced-parent-life-lessons
The challenge is that many children in high conflict or emotionally abusive systems gradually learn to disconnect from those internal signals in order to preserve attachment and reduce conflict.
If your child is showing signs of anxiety, confusion, guilt, emotional shutdown, or divided loyalty after high conflict divorce, therapy can help them build language for what they are experiencing without forcing them to choose sides.
The Healthy Relationships Wheel
Children also need language for what healthy relationships actually look and feel like.
Without that counterpart, many children become highly vigilant toward unhealthy behavior without having a clear internal model for emotional safety, respect, repair, and healthy connection.
The Healthy Relationships Wheel was designed to provide children with concrete examples of what emotionally safe relationships often include:
honesty
respect
emotional safety
healthy boundaries
teamwork
repair after conflict
encouragement
consistency
accountability
emotional freedom
Healthy relationships allow children to:
disagree without fear
express feelings safely
make mistakes without humiliation
maintain relationships with multiple safe people
develop age-appropriate independence
feel loved without feeling emotionally trapped
Importantly, healthy relationships do not require perfection.
All parents become dysregulated sometimes. All families experience conflict. Healthy relationships are not defined by the absence of conflict, but by the presence of accountability, repair, emotional safety, and respect over time (Herman, 1992).
Download the Healthy Relationships Wheel PDF
What Children Often Need to Hear
Children navigating high conflict divorce or emotionally abusive dynamics often carry enormous emotional burdens silently.
Many children need explicit permission to understand:
You are allowed to have your own thoughts and feelings.
Loving someone does not mean agreeing with everything they do.
Feeling confused does not mean something is wrong with you.
You should not have to carry adult emotional responsibilities.
You are not responsible for managing a parent’s emotional wellbeing.
Healthy adults do not require children to choose sides.
Fear and guilt are not the same thing as love.
You can love a parent while also recognizing unhealthy behavior.
Awareness is not betrayal.
These conversations can be emotionally difficult, especially for children navigating split loyalty, fear of abandonment, or chronic emotional pressure.
That is why these tools are intended to support collaborative conversations rather than push children toward conclusions they are not developmentally or emotionally ready to make on their own.
Final Thoughts
High conflict divorce and emotionally abusive family systems often leave children trying to survive emotional environments they do not yet have the developmental language to understand.
My hope is that these tools help children:
build emotional awareness
strengthen internal safety signals
reduce self-blame
identify healthy versus unhealthy relationship patterns
develop language for emotional experiences
feel less alone and less confused
And perhaps most importantly, I hope they help children recognize that healthy relationships should feel emotionally safe, respectful, honest, and supportive — not fear-based, guilt-based, or emotionally controlling.
Therapy, Consultation, and Professional Collaboration
I provide therapy services for children, adolescents, adults, and families navigating:
high conflict divorce
emotional abuse
coercive control
family conflict
trauma
attachment injuries
anxiety and emotional dysregulation
I also collaborate with therapists, attorneys, schools, and professionals seeking developmentally appropriate tools and trauma-informed perspectives when working with children in complex family systems.
In addition to clinical work, I provide professional trainings and speaking engagements focused on:
emotional intelligence
difficult conversations
de-escalation
coercive dynamics
trauma-informed communication
high conflict relational systems
If your child or family is navigating high conflict divorce, emotional abuse, coercive control, or confusing loyalty dynamics, therapy can help children build language, emotional safety, and self-trust. To schedule therapy, request a referral collaboration, or inquire about professional training, contact New Leaf Counseling Group.
FAQ: High Conflict Divorce, Emotional Abuse, and Children
What is a Power and Control Wheel?
A Power and Control Wheel is a visual tool used to help people identify patterns of coercion, intimidation, manipulation, and emotional control in relationships. Instead of looking at one isolated incident, the wheel helps organize repeated behaviors into recognizable patterns.
For children, this can be especially helpful because they may not have the words to describe what they are experiencing. A child may not say, “I am experiencing coercive control,” but they may recognize, “I feel scared when someone yells,” “I feel guilty when I enjoy time with someone else,” or “I feel confused when an adult says something did not happen, even though I remember it.”
The goal is not to label a person as “bad.” The goal is to help children identify whether certain behaviors create safety, honesty, respect, fear, guilt, confusion, or pressure.
Can emotional abuse happen without physical violence?
Yes. Emotional abuse and coercive control can happen even when there is no physical violence. Some of the most harmful relational patterns involve fear, shame, guilt, intimidation, isolation, gaslighting, emotional manipulation, threats, or pressure to choose sides.
Children can be deeply affected by these dynamics because they depend on caregivers for emotional safety and attachment. When a child feels responsible for managing an adult’s emotions, protecting a parent, keeping secrets, or proving loyalty, that child may begin to disconnect from their own feelings and internal sense of safety.
Physical violence is not the only form of harm. Emotional safety matters.
How does high conflict divorce affect children?
High conflict divorce can affect children emotionally, behaviorally, socially, and developmentally. Children may experience anxiety, anger, guilt, confusion, divided loyalty, sleep problems, emotional shutdown, difficulty concentrating, or increased responsibility for adult emotions.
Many children in high conflict divorce still love both parents. This can make the experience especially confusing when one or more adults are behaving in controlling, manipulative, frightening, or emotionally unsafe ways.
Children often need help understanding that they are allowed to love a parent while also recognizing that certain behaviors are unhealthy. Awareness is not betrayal.
How can I tell the difference between healthy discipline and coercive control?
Healthy discipline is designed to teach. Coercive control is designed to dominate.
Healthy discipline usually involves clear expectations, predictable limits, logical or natural consequences, emotional regulation from the adult, and repair after conflict. A child may not like the consequence, but the consequence is connected to the behavior and is meant to help the child learn responsibility.
Coercive control relies on fear, shame, guilt, intimidation, humiliation, confusion, or emotional withdrawal. It may sound like, “After everything I’ve done for you,” “If you loved me, you would choose me,” or “You’re the reason I’m upset.”
The difference is not whether a parent sets limits. Children need limits. The difference is whether those limits are grounded in safety, accountability, and developmentally appropriate teaching, or whether they are used to gain power over the child.
Can a child love a parent and still recognize unhealthy behavior?
Absolutely. This is one of the most important points for children to understand.
Children can love a parent, miss a parent, enjoy time with a parent, defend a parent, and still recognize that some behaviors are unhealthy or unsafe. Love does not require pretending that harmful behavior is okay.
This is often hard for children because they may feel that noticing unhealthy behavior means they are being disloyal. They may also fear hurting a parent’s feelings or making conflict worse.
A child should not have to choose between love and truth. Healthy emotional development allows children to care about others while still trusting their own feelings, memories, and experiences.
Are these wheels diagnostic tools?
No. These wheels are not diagnostic tools and are not meant to determine whether a specific person has a mental health disorder or legal label.
They are psychoeducational and assessment tools. They are designed to support careful, collaborative conversations about relationship patterns, emotional safety, boundaries, pressure, fear, guilt, confusion, and respect.
For children, the purpose is not to force conclusions. The purpose is to help them build language for what they are experiencing, strengthen self-trust, reduce self-blame, and better understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationship dynamics.
References
Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and recovery. Basic Books.
Kelly, J. B., & Johnston, J. R. (2001). The alienated child: A reformulation of parental alienation syndrome. Family Court Review, 39(3), 249–266.
Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The whole-brain child. Delacorte Press.
Stark, E. (2007). Coercive control: How men entrap women in personal life. Oxford University Press.
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